First Performance

I am standing upon a stage
In a dark lit room.
My eyes struggle to make out a friend
to make out one kindred soul
Among the sea of faces that belong to people who are focused in on one face….mine.
My heart is thumping.
It’s rhythmic pulse threatens to drown out the sound of my own voice.
My palms are sweating.
Each new drop of sweat makes me more aware of how nervous I am.

Keep it cool. Breathe in. Breath out.

Multiple thoughts race through my head.

How do I look? Can they see how nervous I am? Do I sound strange through this mic?

I am suddenly self-conscious.

Why am I here? What possessed me to do this? Will they understand me?

Doubt begins to rears it’s ugly head.
It is one demon that I know too well.

I pause for a moment.
Pause for a moment and size up that demon.
I decide tonight, I will take it on.

The show begins.
I speak.
I vocalize my thoughts for strangers.
The same thoughts that have kept me up at night in the privacy of my room.
I allow myself to be vulnerable to the outside.
At the same time I feel the strength and courage building up within me.
The show ends.

As I make my exit, the sense of pride I feel has nothing to do with the words that I have spoken.

The pride I experience comes from the satisfaction of winning yet another battle against one of my of strongest demons.

Victory, ladies and gentlemen, is sweet.


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