January 31st

On the last day of January, I can happily say that I expect great things out of 2014. So far, I have not be disappointed.

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First Performance

I am standing upon a stage
In a dark lit room.
My eyes struggle to make out a friend
to make out one kindred soul
Among the sea of faces that belong to people who are focused in on one face….mine.
My heart is thumping.
It’s rhythmic pulse threatens to drown out the sound of my own voice.
My palms are sweating.
Each new drop of sweat makes me more aware of how nervous I am.

Keep it cool. Breathe in. Breath out.

Multiple thoughts race through my head.

How do I look? Can they see how nervous I am? Do I sound strange through this mic?

I am suddenly self-conscious.

Why am I here? What possessed me to do this? Will they understand me?

Doubt begins to rears it’s ugly head.
It is one demon that I know too well.

I pause for a moment.
Pause for a moment and size up that demon.
I decide tonight, I will take it on.

The show begins.
I speak.
I vocalize my thoughts for strangers.
The same thoughts that have kept me up at night in the privacy of my room.
I allow myself to be vulnerable to the outside.
At the same time I feel the strength and courage building up within me.
The show ends.

As I make my exit, the sense of pride I feel has nothing to do with the words that I have spoken.

The pride I experience comes from the satisfaction of winning yet another battle against one of my of strongest demons.

Victory, ladies and gentlemen, is sweet.

Frustration

Frustration is

pouring your soul onto a blank page and watching as the page absorbs all your vulnerabilities and presents them for anyone who might stumble upon them to see.

doing this with the hope that one other person might see the inner workings of your soul and relate to them because she recognizes that her soul would look similar on paper.

realizing that very few people will ever see your soul, and even fewer will be able to relate to it.

emptying yourself on to that page, despite this realization because at least–at least–a blank page will receive you.

Silent Suffering

She opens her eyes wide trying to un-see that vivid image.

She fights back against the sickening and aggressive thought that has made its way to her mind.

Gone. Four letters.
G-O-N-E.

She crumbles. A mass of mixed emotions.

Confusion. Anger. Sadness. Loneliness. Desperation. Hopelessness. Shock. Doubt. Disbelief.

There are far too many words to describe how she feels, but not one in particular that will explain this.

An emotion so deep, so powerful it threatens to shatter her–an explosion from within.

How? Why? Why? WHY?

“I don’t believe you!” “It can’t be true!” “You’re a liar!” “This isn’t real!”

In fact, it is not real. But it feels like it.

And with every inch of her being she feels a pain so bitter, she’s convinced it’s real.

Time is of the essence. All of a sudden she realizes just how much he means to her.

Gone. Four letters.
G-O-N-E.

She thanks God that it was only a dream but recognizes that THIS is her worst nightmare.

Gone. Four letters.
G-O-N-E.

Four letters.

Nevertheless, as she takes a shaky breath and wishes away that feeling, she realizes that all it takes is the substitution of three letters–

L to G.
I to O.
F to N.
E remains E.

–three letters, and everything that matters to her in this life can be snatched away from her just as quickly as it was given to her.

She stares into the blackness that is her bedroom–two o’clock on a Monday morning–and realizes just how fragile life really is.